just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
