i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
