You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Randomize
