I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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