So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
