You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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