trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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