If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
