he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
cat food counts as protein by the way
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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