how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
