I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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