The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
