He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
