There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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