Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
