A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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