my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
