so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
