i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
