my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
