She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
