There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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