Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
