I like my sex mixed with concussions.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
soo... how was my night?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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