Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
