Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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