I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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