Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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