A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
