my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
