I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
