I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize