i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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