party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
im having a threesome with these popsicles
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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