totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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