I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize