onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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