if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
