please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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