i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
it hurts more in the daytime
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
