Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
