He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
