I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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