just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
