I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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