omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
