Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
True strength comes from lack of pants
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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