im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
