it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
