You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
