I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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