I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
