12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
