Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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