My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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