i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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