When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
