when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
